Pointless Ramblings

I’m very talented at procrastination, I was born with mediocre talents but excel wonderfully at procrastination and becoming easily distracted. I’m obviously supposed to be doing homework right now.  I thought about working on some artwork for our home, I even took out the supplies and then saw the laptop shining blue — indicating it was full of life and buttons that were ready to go clickety clack.

So here I am, browsing through pages all the while attempting to write about…honestly, I have no idea what I’m trying to say.

Earlier today, I was thinking that my thoughts often go to weird extremes. I’m sure i’m not the only one it happens to, but I’ve found it hard to relate to people or find anyone who isn’t ashamed to admit to them. For example, today as I was sitting in the toilet at work. I thought, what if while I was on the toilet I had an earth shakingly loud fart. So loud that everyone rushed to see what caused the building to tremble… only to find me sitting on the loo and the only words to escape my mouth were,”oops, I farted.” It would be so embarrassing. Stupid, I know. But sometimes I’m plagued by weird, stupid, or all together messed up scenarios in my head and I struggle with how to deal with these non-existent situations. I’ll spend minutes, hours, and sometimes even days worrying and finding ways on how to resolve these issues and often find that I can’t move on until I do.

But anyways. I’m not even sure what I’m rambling about. Just aimlessly rambling.

Last weekend, the boyfriend and I wanted to go for a drive so we headed out east and happened upon Elk Falls. We were actually supposed to go to a town that was further east but we were losing daylight and gas. So we stopped at Elk Falls instead. Even now, I think I was foolish. It was cold! Too damn cold for a photographic adventure. Hardly any photos turned out well, my hands were too busy trembling but I wanted to explore dammit! I walked down the hill and towards the miniature waterfall. I treaded carefully over the rocks, hoping I wouldn’t slip into the lake and die of hypothermia — meanwhile my boyfriend waited comfortably in the warm car. (that jerk!)  I had been here before, briefly, and yet again I was plagued with thoughts that I would be murdered by the hills have eyes-esque murderer. It would be so simple. We’re both out in the country, no one knows where we are. Alas, we survived with some shaky photos and a stuffy nose to prove it!

Also, I want to say I love old cemeteries. I’ve spent a lot of time visiting them. There’s something about them that I just can’t get enough of. I do try and be as respectful as I can be when I walk through them. I say hello and have conversations with them, and lament not having flowers to leave behind.

By the end of this brief quest, my boots were filled with cold water. It took about 5 minutes to thaw them out.  I’m ready for spring.

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A town of lies

Sunday was swell.

I went to Cassoday, Kansas to take some pictures of my very pregnant friend.

According to the town, it’s the prairie chicken capital of the world. I was beginning to regret not taking a photograph of their declaration but I’m glad I didn’t participate in that lie, because I didn’t see a single prairie chicken in that town.

When we arrived to the park there was a line of about 10 cars that were parked there, yet the park remained devoid of people. We tried looking for them, but they were nowhere to be found. We began making up reasons as to why no one was around. The ideas ranged from the rapture, an orgy of men in betwixt the wooded area, clans members, or a group of hooded cult members making their weekly sacrifice. We imagined them emerging from the depths of the woods, their hands soiled with blood and prepared to kill us. I was met (again) with disappointment when we learned that it was a just a group of cyclists. Not that I wanted to die, but it would have been much more interesting not knowing the truth.

After wearing out my friend with pictures we decided to head, though not before I lost my sunglasses. I have a knack for losing things, which reminds me that I’ve lost my sunglasses yet again.

I’m hoping to have many more small photographic adventures like this. If i’m going to be stuck in Kansas I’m going to at least explore the crap out of all it’s weird little towns, abandoned or not. It gives me such great joy exploring. I feel like the lesser version of Indiana Jones, many might take that as an insult but i’m quite alright with that. I’d rather evade non-deadly obstacles in my pursuit of adventure, imagined ones are a lot safer. 🙂

And now to tackle the mountains of homework that I’ve been neglecting. Yay.

Let’s try this again

Happy new year!

I realize that I’m over a month late, but I thought I’d give it a whirl. It’s been so long since I’ve written or journaled. Every time I feel I have anything of significant value I’m driving or working and anytime I have time nothing comes out. But I’m going to try! It feels like appropriate timing, new year – new bloggin! But really it’s because I told my friend I’d update this more often. But still!

2014 was without a doubt a tough year, but it also brought about a lot of amazing things. I turned 28, which is highly significant because I never thought I’d make it to this age.

The boyfriend and I are still going strong. He’s still amazingly supportive (etc.) and a complete butthole at other times but we’re doing well.

So well in fact that towards the end of last year we closed on a house!!! Yep. We own our own slice of heaven that comes along with lots of major responsibilities. Initially, I went through all the doubts and questioned that big step, but we did it. I still question if it’s real. Me, a homeowner? We’ve only been here for a little over 5 months but it’s been wonderful. I have a backyard now! A backyard that came with a huge pool!

Ugh. I swear, I must be dreaming. I also got offered a new position at my job and I returned back to school. I really hesitated on the school bit because though I’d like to finish my degree I just didn’t want to deal with the stress or debt. But though I don’t mind my job, I really do want more for myself and hopefully school will allow me to find that.

 

It’s been one hell of a month. I conjure the words and swiftly I’m met with knot in throat and the tears begin there free for all.

I don’t even know that I can summon the words but I’m hoping that maybe if I do I’ll alleviate the burden that’s weighing on my shoulders because ironically my greatest confidant is this blog. Last month, my uncle passed away and two weeks after he passed my Grandma did, too. It’s still hard to admit the truth in that sentence. Dealing with my uncle’s death, without meaning to sound cold-hearted, would have been easier to deal with but when my Grandma passed… I still haven’t allowed myself to immerse myself in the reality of losing her; it’s just too great of a loss. I’ve found solace recounting the memories we had together but even that proves to be overwhelming and throws me off kilter. It had only been 3 months since I saw her last and it pains me that I didn’t hug her enough or tell her I loved her one more time.

It would be so easy to allow myself to sink deeper into depression, but I’m trying not to succumb. It’s tough, really tough because I’m a wreck, but I’ve been trying incredibly hard to be strong not just for myself but mainly for my family. I really wanted to delve into this more but I feel drained and it’s taken me at least 2 hours to write this. I guess I’m not ready to delve much deeper into this, but I’ll share what I shared with family.

I’m not very good with emotions, speeches, or spiels. I always run off on tangents and easily forget my intentions but I wanted to say that this week has been incredibly difficult and enlightening. I try and put a brave face because reality and emotions are sucky and it hurts knowing that my ‘uelita is no longer with us. Visiting Texas will never be the same, but my grandma will always live on in my heart and memories. I like to believe that wherever she may be she is spending time and sharing laughs with those we’ve lost along the way.

As I get older and with every family member we lose I realize that my family is of the utmost importance. They are my life and as dysfunctional as we are/can be I’d be lost without them. I hate gatherings, crowds and socializing but my family is much more important than that which I hate.

I hope, if anyone cares to read this, that you all never take anyone for granted, I hope you realize and cherish what you have while you’ve got it. Our time on this earth is limited and nothing is more important than the memories and time you spend with loved ones. At times we get angry, or have hurdles we have to overcome, and/or are apprehensive about saying what we feel for whatever reason but I cannot begin to tell you how much more difficult it is to live in guilt and with the “what if.” Fortunately with grandma I had learned sufficient enough and the last time I saw her I told her how much she meant to me and that I loved her, even when she was mad at me for not breaking the hospital rules. Lol And even though the past cannot be changed, we can start anew and make the attempt to learn from past mistakes.

It’s been sometime since I’ve felt the need to divulge. I’ve been attempting my best to deal with circumstances rather than vent to pen and paper (or rather in this case computer/public forum). But tonight, as the boyfriend sleeps and I have a load of laundry to do I wanted to just vent about everything and nothing at all.

I went to my hometown for Fourth of July weekend. I hung out with old friends, went to the beach, had some amazing Mexican tacos, plenty of raspas (yet still not enough!), took some random maternity pictures of my very pregnant friend, and went to my favorite child hood pizza place. It was spectacular. I often tend to forget what it’s like to hang out with friends. It’s been so long since I’ve hung out with anyone who wasn’t the boyfriend, so it was great to catch up with friends I hadn’t seen in years. It always sucks leaving them behind, I wish I could pack them up and bring them with me. I also hung out with the family, which made me nostalgic and wish I was closer to home. It sucks living far away from home.

The trip was set to end on a good note and then we got word that my Uncle had passed away. I, honestly, didn’t know how to take it. It had been so long since I had seen him. He used to be a happy man. It was rare that you would not see him playing or idly strumming his guitar, he was almost always singing a song to someone. Though he never had to say it, it was apparent that he desired to have a family and it wasn’t until his late 30’s or early 40’s that he met someone. Most people believe, that in his desperation for a family, he settled for her because since his marriage the songs slowly faded and he became consumed by depression and drug addiction. I remember it was a month before my brother passed away that he attempted against his own life. That was when I learned of his depression and felt I could relate to him because of my own struggles — though if I believe what family says his stemmed a lot from his drug binges. Either way, I sympathized with him. He turned to religion and eventually pushed a lot of his family away. We would try to go find him and he would either ignore our calls, pretend he wasnt home. . he basically avoided us at all cost. They say it was because his religion was very strict on whom he could associate himself with but I believed that his depression played a bigger factor as to why he pushed people away. When we were down there visiting, my mom even mentioned him and we both thought it pointless to go visit because we knew he wouldn’t answer our knocks. And from what they say, his wife was hardly ever around. I’m sad that I didn’t get to know him more and that I’ll never have the chance, but I hope that wherever he is now he’ll be able to rest from the demons that never left his side while he was living.

Before I was able to react to his death, we were driving on the interstate and reminiscing about my Uncle when this box, of what I believe was yogurt or some unidentifiable goo, was thrown from a passing car onto our windshield. Fortunately, I got a grip of the wheel and was able to not freak out and lose control. However, I became infuriated by the pieces of shit who could have potentially caused me to swerve and crash the car that my mother and I were in. I flashed my lights at them and honked the horn. They raced off, which led me to believe that they did it on purpose. I caught up to them and flipped them off, hoping they could hear my screams but they dared not stare at me for long and sped off again. It was two young kids in a fancy new red car. They quickly sped off again. I tried to keep pace, debating on whether I should call the cops or what I should do. Then they slowed down and the bastard in the passenger side had the gall to show me whatever he was trowing and flips me off and attempts to hit my car again. I swerved. I was tempted to throw something at them or ram my car into them, quite honestly had my mother not been in the same car I would have done that or worse. People like that who have no regard for others’ safety pisses me off. My mom was visibly upset and a little scared. . . my uncle had just died and it just pushed me over the edge but I decided to do something else instead — something I never do. I called the cops, 911 patched me through to state troopers and I explained the situation to her and she had the nerve to say that I probably caused it because I was driving too close to the car. Which wasn’t the case at all but apparently, according to that state trooper, if you drive close to a car it’s okay for them to chuck whatever inanimate objects they have at you. It’s your fault that you were too close. She swore she wasn’t accusing me of anything but how else am i to take it? She said to back away from them and that they would see if they had any troopers in the area and they would see what they could do. This honestly made me contemplate beating the crap out of the kids even more. It’s quite scary when you can’t trust in people who are sworn to protect you and they blame you instead. Hello, I’m calling you for help before they either kill me or vice versa and all you can do is accuse. Fuck. I provided them with the necessary description and license plates, but I honestly doubt anything would come of it. I had a friend tell me that even if they found them they would just get a smack on the hand because these kids were in a fancy new car, in Oklahoma, and white. If that’s the case, it’s a sad that race still pays a determining factor on what would determine your punishment.

Sigh.

The sudden death of my Uncle did allow me to reflect on a lot of things. I realized that out of fear I was holding back on my relationships/friendships. I was afraid to get hurt and never made my best effort.

I had attempted to reach out to a friend and things didn’t go as planned and it was awkward and when she didn’t respond to a message I decided to just remove myself from the equation. Letting go was hard because I always wanted her to be the one I could go to but I could never depend on her. I realized I never said anything when it bothered me because I was afraid to lose a friend, so the anger and disappointment built up until the point I couldn’t forgive. I justified her excuses from time to time because I wanted it to be one of those friendships that would last until my grey hairs were dyed pink, but alas I couldn’t hold onto a friendship that we both eventually half-assed. I’m of course not blameless. I got so used to having no friends that it was hard to transition to having friends. Even now, it’s not something I’m completely adjusted to. If you’re reading this, Greta, I hope you know that I cherished our friendship dearly. You were the friend that I dreamed of having when I was younger. Someone that was just like me, who I could adventure with and be completely stupid with. I truly wish we could have been better friends to one another because we could have been an amazing pair of old grannies hanging around in matching track suits, yelling at the youth and it’s stupid trends. I wish you the best in life and hope that everything goes amazingly well for you.

Blurbs

It’s 5:50 a.m. my head is aching and the slow whirring sound of the fan is deafening. My dreams have come alive again, the vivid ones that seem to blur reality. No matter how comfortable it is to slip into them, they don’t make up for how mad they drive me in the morning. I find myself waking up feeling exhausted from the nightly escapades infested with charred zombies or waking up frightened and very weary of elderly witchy women. Yet, I still like would like to welcome my old vivid friends back.

Fast Forward to Sunday 12:43 a.m. I’ve decided to just collect these rampant thoughts and see how many I collect before finally posting them all. I’ve been awake for 20 hours.

It’s Friday now. I can’t even say I know when I wrote any of that. That’s what tends to happens with most of my posts, I get easily distracted and then I’m doing something else. As of right now, I’m watching Derek and soon enough I’ll be weeping buckets upon buckets because this show makes me very emotional and makes me wish I were a better person.

I have been ridiculously busy these past couple of months. The brother got married. We went to Texas for a couple of days and then to Texas again for Texas Frightmare.

 

And if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go back to watching Derek and crying like a little itty bitty baby.

 

Changes

In the past several months I’ve begun making significant life changes. It started slow, then progressed and spiraled into this spring cleansing of the soul. Initially, it was difficult to think that I could manage a lot of the changes and I was hesitant to even begin but something inside me urged me to take a leap and do it.

It all started with a health scare that I’m, quite frankly, still not willing to admit to. I suppose it could be a lot worse but this is still something that I never anticipated. Perhaps it’s shock? I keep rewording the doctor’s words in my head, hoping that if I rearrange the wording it may change the results. . . but it doesn’t and though i’m not in imminent danger it is something that I have to take care of. It’s upsetting but I try and heed other’s advice and learn to accept this and though it’s been difficult I think I’m gradually learning to. I’ve begun to take better care of myself by going to the gym and eating healthier. It hasn’t been an easy transition but I’m going to do all that I can to be as healthy as I can be. Thus far, I’ve lost a little weight and I intend to lose more but all for health not for aesthetic reasons.

Friendships has been even more difficult to tackle than my health. I had a long chat with someone a while back and they put certain things into perspective. They asked me who my go to people were, who I went to when my world was crumbling and the people I thought would be on that list weren’t. Not because I didn’t want them to be but because I knew I couldn’t turn to them because when I needed them most they never there. It was an awakening. From this conversation I also realized I’m guilty of a lot of things as well, like: I have kept friendships/people in my life that were (exhausting, terrible, selfish, etc), I’m a terrible friend because I too am the aforementioned, I don’t know how to be a proper friend. I know I’ve mentioned a lot of this before but I overlooked and didn’t do as I promised. It’s a lot harder to let go than I thought. I second guess myself and wonder if I’m the one to blame for it all. But I just can’t do it anymore. A couple of weeks if not months ago I began by either unfriending or unfollowing people on Facebook.  I’m also working on trying to be a better friend. I think though that first I have to work on my friendship skills. It’s a process but I’ve been keeping in touch with friends, though the socializing bit I’ve been failing because I’ve been ridiculously busy. But I’m going to be better. More date nights with the boyfriend, alone time, and friendship hang outs.

The boyfriend and I have also decided to sacrifice our privacy and move in with family for a brief amount of time to reach our goals of getting a house. Unfortunately, things came up and it would be a lot easier if rent was not part of the equation. It’s scary but I think it’ll be worth it once we have our own house. I’m already anxious to have a home, to take dive into the pool or drink some pina coladas while floating in that pool. Sigh. It will happen, a little later than anticipated but it will.

Another huge thing is I’ve decided to go back to school this fall. It’s been 6 years since I had to drop out of university. I’m freaking scared out of my mind yet insanely excited. I’m still clueless about what I want to do but I feel as if I’m going to figure it out this time and if I don’t I’ll try until I do. I dictate what I do, what I don’t,  and I’ve decided I’m going to have a motherfucking adventure while I’m alive and kickin’.