Changes

In the past several months I’ve begun making significant life changes. It started slow, then progressed and spiraled into this spring cleansing of the soul. Initially, it was difficult to think that I could manage a lot of the changes and I was hesitant to even begin but something inside me urged me to take a leap and do it.

It all started with a health scare that I’m, quite frankly, still not willing to admit to. I suppose it could be a lot worse but this is still something that I never anticipated. Perhaps it’s shock? I keep rewording the doctor’s words in my head, hoping that if I rearrange the wording it may change the results. . . but it doesn’t and though i’m not in imminent danger it is something that I have to take care of. It’s upsetting but I try and heed other’s advice and learn to accept this and though it’s been difficult I think I’m gradually learning to. I’ve begun to take better care of myself by going to the gym and eating healthier. It hasn’t been an easy transition but I’m going to do all that I can to be as healthy as I can be. Thus far, I’ve lost a little weight and I intend to lose more but all for health not for aesthetic reasons.

Friendships has been even more difficult to tackle than my health. I had a long chat with someone a while back and they put certain things into perspective. They asked me who my go to people were, who I went to when my world was crumbling and the people I thought would be on that list weren’t. Not because I didn’t want them to be but because I knew I couldn’t turn to them because when I needed them most they never there. It was an awakening. From this conversation I also realized I’m guilty of a lot of things as well, like: I have kept friendships/people in my life that were (exhausting, terrible, selfish, etc), I’m a terrible friend because I too am the aforementioned, I don’t know how to be a proper friend. I know I’ve mentioned a lot of this before but I overlooked and didn’t do as I promised. It’s a lot harder to let go than I thought. I second guess myself and wonder if I’m the one to blame for it all. But I just can’t do it anymore. A couple of weeks if not months ago I began by either unfriending or unfollowing people on Facebook.  I’m also working on trying to be a better friend. I think though that first I have to work on my friendship skills. It’s a process but I’ve been keeping in touch with friends, though the socializing bit I’ve been failing because I’ve been ridiculously busy. But I’m going to be better. More date nights with the boyfriend, alone time, and friendship hang outs.

The boyfriend and I have also decided to sacrifice our privacy and move in with family for a brief amount of time to reach our goals of getting a house. Unfortunately, things came up and it would be a lot easier if rent was not part of the equation. It’s scary but I think it’ll be worth it once we have our own house. I’m already anxious to have a home, to take dive into the pool or drink some pina coladas while floating in that pool. Sigh. It will happen, a little later than anticipated but it will.

Another huge thing is I’ve decided to go back to school this fall. It’s been 6 years since I had to drop out of university. I’m freaking scared out of my mind yet insanely excited. I’m still clueless about what I want to do but I feel as if I’m going to figure it out this time and if I don’t I’ll try until I do. I dictate what I do, what I don’t,  and I’ve decided I’m going to have a motherfucking adventure while I’m alive and kickin’.

 

 

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Change is Hard

Growing up is harder.

As of late, I’ve been coming to many realizations. Where as some have been great others have been hard to accept. Even now, I’m fighting to accept them and because of it I’ve been going in and out of more frequent depressive episodes. On the outside I appear to be perfectly content but inside I’m waging war with myself. 

I’ve been fighting the instinct to run, hide and hold myself hostage in the bathroom. The old me would have reverted back to old habits and destroyed everything in her path but I refuse to go back to that. I lost a lot, hurt people I cared for and lost sight of who I was. At this point in life, I am fortunate to have a wonderful boyfriend who is my best friend and is very supportive.  When I’m at my darkest he, unknowingly, saves me by saying something completely ridiculous and with that I can breathe again and am no longer drowning in my thoughts. It’s like he instinctually knows I need him. Even though I had admitting it, I would undoubtedly be lost without him. 

Friendships are another thing I’ve been struggling with. I’m terrible at making friends and even more so at keeping them. I never used to be bad at it, at least I don’t think so, but when you’re young it’s so much easier to make friends. You’re instantly best friends with anyone who likes the same color as you do, but now I’m not even sure how you begin to befriend anyone. After being burned by terrible friendships and dealing with major depression, I let go of the thought of having friends and became aloof. It was easier to deal with life without having the added drama of friendships, amongst many other reasons. Now, I have a handful of friends but always forget what the proper protocol is to maintain them. I often feel that I’m too self-absorbed because I’m caught up in my own thoughts, all from being so accustomed to it just being me, so at times it feels uncomfortably awkward. Friendships always seem so much harder than relationships and they shouldn’t be, should they? I think I’m a decent friend. I do my best to be supportive, honest, and attempt to be there for a friend because I genuinely care and because that’s what I think friends should do. I’m not sure if I’m doing it wrong. Sometimes, I’ve been very skeptical of some friendships, questioning the kindness of some and thinking their was something sinister behind their smile. Maybe I end up in friendships that are one sided or I just delude myself into thinking I’m a good friend when I’m not.  Perhaps, I’m just not a worthy friend. I’m honestly not sure but I feel like I’m failing miserably. After much thought, I realize that I’m tired of making justifications for others and myself, or feeling like I’m forcing my friendship on others. I’ve decided to finally just let go of some friendships, their’s no point in keeping friends that don’t want, need or should be kept. I’m exhausted and though I need to learn to accept that their are people who genuinely want to be friends I also need to let go of those who aren’t worth the time and stop trying to keep those who want to be left alone. I don’t know why it was so hard to accept this, I’ve been down this road before but I guess it’s a little difficult this time because I was just getting used to the idea of friends and began to assume some would be there forever or would get to that point. 

Another realization is that I’ve decided that I need to stop making big plans or having ideas and never doing anything with them. I’m starting a list of things I want to accomplish or at least attempt doing because the fact is that death is imminent and I don’t want to regret things at a later point in life when it’s too late. One of those things is starting a band. I was in one briefly a long time ago but I moved away and that was that. I really shouldn’t even consider it because it was over before it began. I have no expectations for this band, I simply want to do it because I’ve always wanted to and it should be fun. It may very well be a terrible endeavor but at least I can say I made the attempt and that’s all that matters. I also want to make an album that I can say I helped create, even if it ends up being bad. I have one friend who is ready and willing, so it’s very exciting and off to a better start than anticipated.