Pointless Ramblings

I’m very talented at procrastination, I was born with mediocre talents but excel wonderfully at procrastination and becoming easily distracted. I’m obviously supposed to be doing homework right now.  I thought about working on some artwork for our home, I even took out the supplies and then saw the laptop shining blue — indicating it was full of life and buttons that were ready to go clickety clack.

So here I am, browsing through pages all the while attempting to write about…honestly, I have no idea what I’m trying to say.

Earlier today, I was thinking that my thoughts often go to weird extremes. I’m sure i’m not the only one it happens to, but I’ve found it hard to relate to people or find anyone who isn’t ashamed to admit to them. For example, today as I was sitting in the toilet at work. I thought, what if while I was on the toilet I had an earth shakingly loud fart. So loud that everyone rushed to see what caused the building to tremble… only to find me sitting on the loo and the only words to escape my mouth were,”oops, I farted.” It would be so embarrassing. Stupid, I know. But sometimes I’m plagued by weird, stupid, or all together messed up scenarios in my head and I struggle with how to deal with these non-existent situations. I’ll spend minutes, hours, and sometimes even days worrying and finding ways on how to resolve these issues and often find that I can’t move on until I do.

But anyways. I’m not even sure what I’m rambling about. Just aimlessly rambling.

Last weekend, the boyfriend and I wanted to go for a drive so we headed out east and happened upon Elk Falls. We were actually supposed to go to a town that was further east but we were losing daylight and gas. So we stopped at Elk Falls instead. Even now, I think I was foolish. It was cold! Too damn cold for a photographic adventure. Hardly any photos turned out well, my hands were too busy trembling but I wanted to explore dammit! I walked down the hill and towards the miniature waterfall. I treaded carefully over the rocks, hoping I wouldn’t slip into the lake and die of hypothermia — meanwhile my boyfriend waited comfortably in the warm car. (that jerk!)  I had been here before, briefly, and yet again I was plagued with thoughts that I would be murdered by the hills have eyes-esque murderer. It would be so simple. We’re both out in the country, no one knows where we are. Alas, we survived with some shaky photos and a stuffy nose to prove it!

Also, I want to say I love old cemeteries. I’ve spent a lot of time visiting them. There’s something about them that I just can’t get enough of. I do try and be as respectful as I can be when I walk through them. I say hello and have conversations with them, and lament not having flowers to leave behind.

By the end of this brief quest, my boots were filled with cold water. It took about 5 minutes to thaw them out.  I’m ready for spring.

Whirlwind

It’s been a while and I’m not even sure where to start. For starters, my computer has been ill and I’ve been freaking out trying to find things to make it better. I want to proclaim success but I don’t think that it’s better, which is a shame considering it’s barely a year old. Sigh. But, I’ve gotten it past the grey screen of death so that’s a minor accomplishment. 

Much to my chagrin, we had a Halloween party but it actually turned out a lot better than expected. I wish I would have taken pictures, I think I just took snaps here and there but nothing significant. Quite a shame, really. I was overwhelmed with all the bodies in attendance and getting everything sorted. The final details were never truly finished. Towards the end, after downing sufficient enough drinks to soothe my nerves, it was easier to deal with and I had fun.

Another think occurring in my universe, is that I’ve been heavily debating art school — to study photography. It was the plan 5 years ago, but then a shit ton of things happened all at once. I fell off a ladder at work, developed GERD, consequence to the fall I began having trouble walking, any movement was extremely painful and it all led to me dropping out of university. This, of course, all led to a small little dark spiral of self-destruction. Life is wonderful, isn’t it? So, here I am 5 years later debating on uprooting and moving to study photography. The thought is frightening but what’s even more terrifying is staying in my cubicle staring out my window for the next 40+ years wishing I had gone. I’ve always known I couldn’t have a job like the one I do now. It’s much too stifling. I want the ability to dye my hair any color I want or have piercings and whatever other restrictions I’ve had to abide by since joining the grown up world. I’m a toys’r’us kid, not a grown up kid. Even if I fail at art school, I want to say that I earned that failure. I’ve started working on ideas, for the portfolio I have to submit with the application, and I’m excited because I’ve started coming up with concepts and ideas. It’s even reignited my love affair with make-up.

Because of all these wonderful thoughts and ideas, I’ve decided that it’s time to attempt to go back on anti-depressants. I’ve been fighting it alone for so long and lately it feels like I’m on the losing side. I realize it’ll never truly go away, but ordinarily, I’ll go through  rough patches which’ll last a week and then after they’ve beaten me senseless they subside. My little cycle of darkness. However, as of late, the episodes have been interminable and brutal. It’s been tough to deal with all of these feelings that I thought I had killed, it’s as if the dead have risen from their graves. I thought I could do it alone but I think I have to learn to admit that sometimes I need help, and this is one of those instances. Also, I’m tired of depression sucking the life out of everything.

Change is Hard

Growing up is harder.

As of late, I’ve been coming to many realizations. Where as some have been great others have been hard to accept. Even now, I’m fighting to accept them and because of it I’ve been going in and out of more frequent depressive episodes. On the outside I appear to be perfectly content but inside I’m waging war with myself. 

I’ve been fighting the instinct to run, hide and hold myself hostage in the bathroom. The old me would have reverted back to old habits and destroyed everything in her path but I refuse to go back to that. I lost a lot, hurt people I cared for and lost sight of who I was. At this point in life, I am fortunate to have a wonderful boyfriend who is my best friend and is very supportive.  When I’m at my darkest he, unknowingly, saves me by saying something completely ridiculous and with that I can breathe again and am no longer drowning in my thoughts. It’s like he instinctually knows I need him. Even though I had admitting it, I would undoubtedly be lost without him. 

Friendships are another thing I’ve been struggling with. I’m terrible at making friends and even more so at keeping them. I never used to be bad at it, at least I don’t think so, but when you’re young it’s so much easier to make friends. You’re instantly best friends with anyone who likes the same color as you do, but now I’m not even sure how you begin to befriend anyone. After being burned by terrible friendships and dealing with major depression, I let go of the thought of having friends and became aloof. It was easier to deal with life without having the added drama of friendships, amongst many other reasons. Now, I have a handful of friends but always forget what the proper protocol is to maintain them. I often feel that I’m too self-absorbed because I’m caught up in my own thoughts, all from being so accustomed to it just being me, so at times it feels uncomfortably awkward. Friendships always seem so much harder than relationships and they shouldn’t be, should they? I think I’m a decent friend. I do my best to be supportive, honest, and attempt to be there for a friend because I genuinely care and because that’s what I think friends should do. I’m not sure if I’m doing it wrong. Sometimes, I’ve been very skeptical of some friendships, questioning the kindness of some and thinking their was something sinister behind their smile. Maybe I end up in friendships that are one sided or I just delude myself into thinking I’m a good friend when I’m not.  Perhaps, I’m just not a worthy friend. I’m honestly not sure but I feel like I’m failing miserably. After much thought, I realize that I’m tired of making justifications for others and myself, or feeling like I’m forcing my friendship on others. I’ve decided to finally just let go of some friendships, their’s no point in keeping friends that don’t want, need or should be kept. I’m exhausted and though I need to learn to accept that their are people who genuinely want to be friends I also need to let go of those who aren’t worth the time and stop trying to keep those who want to be left alone. I don’t know why it was so hard to accept this, I’ve been down this road before but I guess it’s a little difficult this time because I was just getting used to the idea of friends and began to assume some would be there forever or would get to that point. 

Another realization is that I’ve decided that I need to stop making big plans or having ideas and never doing anything with them. I’m starting a list of things I want to accomplish or at least attempt doing because the fact is that death is imminent and I don’t want to regret things at a later point in life when it’s too late. One of those things is starting a band. I was in one briefly a long time ago but I moved away and that was that. I really shouldn’t even consider it because it was over before it began. I have no expectations for this band, I simply want to do it because I’ve always wanted to and it should be fun. It may very well be a terrible endeavor but at least I can say I made the attempt and that’s all that matters. I also want to make an album that I can say I helped create, even if it ends up being bad. I have one friend who is ready and willing, so it’s very exciting and off to a better start than anticipated. 

 

Nargles

It’s been an incredibly busy couple of weeks, I’ve been rattling my brain trying to recall the details of the past two weeks but I cannot for the life of me remember much. This is exactly why I do this blog, well that and because I cannot write for prolonged periods of time before my handwriting resembles chicken scratch — so a written journal is out the window. That’s one of the wonderful perks of having had surgery on my wrist. yayyy…. -_-

One of the major things that did happen is that, finally, after months of planning I had the surprise birthday party for the boyfriend. I don’t think I could ever do that one again. I’ve never thrown a party, let alone a surprise one, so it was a pain in the rear. In the end though, it was well worth it because everyone had fun. We had a piñata filled with candy and booze, delicious Mexican food, and a jousting bouncy. It was the adult version of a kids party, therefore even more fun.

ImageImageImage

 

I’ve also had several interviews for the one place I had hoped to get a job at. It had great benefits, paid well, near my place and good hours. I was on the last round, I had no reason to believe that job wasn’t mine and then the night before the interview I kept sneezing, eyes were watery and my nose was sniffly. Everyone keeps suggesting me take allergy medicine, I’ve never suffered from allergies, and therefore I always refused to take it. But on this specific night, I felt that I needed to be 100 percent for the interview so I caved in and drank some over the counter knock off of benadryl. BIG MISTAKE! I was in zombie mode for the rest of the night and half of the morning. My nerves normally gives me an adrenaline rush, therefore I’m in top form to answer questions but with this medicine zombifying me I had no nerves at all. My brain was filled with fuzz and nargles. Sigh. It was terrible. It’s safe to say that the interview was a failure. I knew then that I would not get called back. I’m trying not to let this ruin my surprisingly optimistic mood but it’s tough when you see your bank account hit the double digits. My boyfriend is great though, I know he’d help me if I let him but I am very stubborn and independent. The one thing that I hate the most is asking for help.  

Fortunately, I just started a part time position as the lead stock for a retail store. It’s not many hours but it’ll keep some form of income coming in. I’ll take whatever I can get at this point. I get annoyed because everyone keeps saying, well at least you’re not stressing about your old job anymore. . . Yeah, that’s great and all but now I have a new stressful situation to deal with and this one does not bring in any income. People don’t understand how depressing it can get to deal with your thoughts and emotions all day, every day, and then the added stress of not having an income to pay for your bills and eventually the necessities. It’s a bitch. That’s why I want to run away and live on an island and not worry about something as trivial as money. 

 

 

 

A Walk in the Rain 4/365

I always feel awkward starting a post, I feel like their should be an introduction otherwise I feel like that one rude person who just spews everything that’s going on in their life at you all at once. But I’m not sure exactly how one starts a post, should I just start saying “Dear Diary.” Maybe their isn’t a right way? Not that it matters, it’s just a thought that crossed my mind for no apparent reason.

For day 4 of 365, I wasn’t quite sure of what to do because I was exhausted from the previous days activities. Since my boyfriend and I live very close to his parents, we decided to go pick up the bikes we had left in their garage. It was a beautiful sunny day before, so a walk 10 blocks away should be lovely and maybe I could get some nature shots or whatnot. Image

Image

Nope. It began to thunder and rain as soon as we made it out of our apartment complex.

ImageImageImageImage

Nox seized the day by doing everything in his ability to do absolutely nothing.

ImageImageImage

My sister gave me a kids tutu, naturally it doesn’t fit but I decided to keep it and use it as hair. haha

ImageImage

I thought I’d post pictures of things in my apartment that I love but I got into a huge fight with my camera and decided to call it a night. ImageImage

Itty Bitty Kitty

I caved the day away and it was terrible. I got very little accomplished on my last two days off. I hate days like this, they just fade away like dreams and the next minute I’m having to force myself awake for work. The positive thing is that I have approximately 8 days left at my current job, which is very exciting, but still these two days were a waste. 

The main thing I did was wipe away my stuff from my old iMac. My iMac is old and I no longer use it, so I have decided to let my Mum have it. She’s not tech savvy so she’ll be able to learn and not worry about breaking it or whatever type of shenanigans she can get herself into. But whilst cleaning any memory of me, I found so much of my past.

I had a plethora of albums to go through, because of course they were all disorganized. Blegh. The positive about going through old stuff is discovering things you had longed to either forget or had unwillingly forgotten. I discovered pictures/videos/writings. In those pictures I found old baby pictures of my itty bitty Nox. ImageImageImageImageImage

He was the most adorable baby kitten in the existence of life. Sigh. It almost makes me want another baby kitten. I will say this though, I think digging through my past caused me to dig a little deeper into my cave. I hate these bummy feelings. 

On another note, I really hate the digital age — especially when it comes to photographs. I love the ease and convenience of just uploading my pictures but I miss the joy of going to pick up my developed rolls of film. I know that I can easily print them off the computer but the fact that it’s all on my own time also contributes to the fact that they seldom ever get printed. And when I finally want to get them printed I have an insane amount of film to develop and therefore discourages me to do it. Bah. 

Oh well, off to bed. Only 8 days left until my last day at work. 37 days until our Boston trip. 44 days until Texas Frightmare. 🙂