Pointless Ramblings

I’m very talented at procrastination, I was born with mediocre talents but excel wonderfully at procrastination and becoming easily distracted. I’m obviously supposed to be doing homework right now.  I thought about working on some artwork for our home, I even took out the supplies and then saw the laptop shining blue — indicating it was full of life and buttons that were ready to go clickety clack.

So here I am, browsing through pages all the while attempting to write about…honestly, I have no idea what I’m trying to say.

Earlier today, I was thinking that my thoughts often go to weird extremes. I’m sure i’m not the only one it happens to, but I’ve found it hard to relate to people or find anyone who isn’t ashamed to admit to them. For example, today as I was sitting in the toilet at work. I thought, what if while I was on the toilet I had an earth shakingly loud fart. So loud that everyone rushed to see what caused the building to tremble… only to find me sitting on the loo and the only words to escape my mouth were,”oops, I farted.” It would be so embarrassing. Stupid, I know. But sometimes I’m plagued by weird, stupid, or all together messed up scenarios in my head and I struggle with how to deal with these non-existent situations. I’ll spend minutes, hours, and sometimes even days worrying and finding ways on how to resolve these issues and often find that I can’t move on until I do.

But anyways. I’m not even sure what I’m rambling about. Just aimlessly rambling.

Last weekend, the boyfriend and I wanted to go for a drive so we headed out east and happened upon Elk Falls. We were actually supposed to go to a town that was further east but we were losing daylight and gas. So we stopped at Elk Falls instead. Even now, I think I was foolish. It was cold! Too damn cold for a photographic adventure. Hardly any photos turned out well, my hands were too busy trembling but I wanted to explore dammit! I walked down the hill and towards the miniature waterfall. I treaded carefully over the rocks, hoping I wouldn’t slip into the lake and die of hypothermia — meanwhile my boyfriend waited comfortably in the warm car. (that jerk!)  I had been here before, briefly, and yet again I was plagued with thoughts that I would be murdered by the hills have eyes-esque murderer. It would be so simple. We’re both out in the country, no one knows where we are. Alas, we survived with some shaky photos and a stuffy nose to prove it!

Also, I want to say I love old cemeteries. I’ve spent a lot of time visiting them. There’s something about them that I just can’t get enough of. I do try and be as respectful as I can be when I walk through them. I say hello and have conversations with them, and lament not having flowers to leave behind.

By the end of this brief quest, my boots were filled with cold water. It took about 5 minutes to thaw them out.  I’m ready for spring.

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A town of lies

Sunday was swell.

I went to Cassoday, Kansas to take some pictures of my very pregnant friend.

According to the town, it’s the prairie chicken capital of the world. I was beginning to regret not taking a photograph of their declaration but I’m glad I didn’t participate in that lie, because I didn’t see a single prairie chicken in that town.

When we arrived to the park there was a line of about 10 cars that were parked there, yet the park remained devoid of people. We tried looking for them, but they were nowhere to be found. We began making up reasons as to why no one was around. The ideas ranged from the rapture, an orgy of men in betwixt the wooded area, clans members, or a group of hooded cult members making their weekly sacrifice. We imagined them emerging from the depths of the woods, their hands soiled with blood and prepared to kill us. I was met (again) with disappointment when we learned that it was a just a group of cyclists. Not that I wanted to die, but it would have been much more interesting not knowing the truth.

After wearing out my friend with pictures we decided to head, though not before I lost my sunglasses. I have a knack for losing things, which reminds me that I’ve lost my sunglasses yet again.

I’m hoping to have many more small photographic adventures like this. If i’m going to be stuck in Kansas I’m going to at least explore the crap out of all it’s weird little towns, abandoned or not. It gives me such great joy exploring. I feel like the lesser version of Indiana Jones, many might take that as an insult but i’m quite alright with that. I’d rather evade non-deadly obstacles in my pursuit of adventure, imagined ones are a lot safer. 🙂

And now to tackle the mountains of homework that I’ve been neglecting. Yay.

Discombobulated

My mind is always in a state of discombobulation… There appears to be neither cohesiveness nor structure, my thoughts run rampant and it makes writing feel like a chore. I’ve begun over 5 short stories with no end in sight because all of them are going at once in all directions. I try to focus on one thing but they attack me all at once. Someday I’ll get it right and finally finish one of the many adventures that are happening inside my head.

The weather has been as erratic as my thoughts. When I went on that, brief, adventure the temperature was in the 60s then the next day it was snowing. Blegh. I yearn for consistency, mainly just warmth.

The boyfriend and I have been trying to be responsible and working toward paying off all of our debt. I’ve been doing a lot of number crunching and, thankfully, it’s feasible to get it all done by year’s end. It’s such an amazing feeling to see and know that there is an end in sight. I never thought I’d have such grown up thoughts and aspirations to have my own house. The idea of having my own laundry room is the best! Less socialization, yay! I’ve always had the notion that I’d be a vagabond and never settle but yet here I am working towards a home.

We also had some fun with the boogers (my niece and nephew) this weekend. We got this kit that made giant bubbles and let me tell you, the best kind of bubbles are GIANT ones! They were so much fun! I tried to take cool pictures but that did not happen, maybe once it’s warmer but yeah GIANT BUBBLES!

A Short Reprieve

I haven’t been exploring as of late and all because of winter. Blegh. It’s been so cold and then the piles of snow fell upon the lands. It was dreadful. Fortunately, before then I was able to enjoy a brief (tease) period of warmth. I went exploring back to back, taking full advantage of the brief nice weather. And, thankfully, I did because the snow and cold attacked us that very same week if not night.

My friend and I drove the two hour drive and had a good time singing and chatting up a storm about life and things. It was much needed.

It’s been about a year since I’ve been to Neosho Falls and Coronado heights, and a lot has changed since then. The Neosho Falls High School is overrun by local hoodlums who fancy terrible graffiti. When my friend and I arrived, we almost hesitated entering because we heard commotion in the basement. We hesitated simply because trespassing is still illegal but it was just a group of teens who were smoking weed and breaking things, still we ran up the stairs and hid as they walked out of the building. We laughed at how lame we probably looked. The building felt different, almost like I had never been there, perhaps it was the atmosphere that felt different. I’m not sure. I explored more of the building than I had before, but found nothing interesting. Just holes in the ground and empty beer bottles. Exciting stuff.

Coronado Heights. 

The other trip was with my boyfriend to Coronado Heights.  Ordinarily, I go with friends to these short photographic adventures but I felt it was unfair to not drag him out of the house and neglect house duties with me. So we did and it was so much fun. We explored, climbed rocks and scaled buildings. It was the best. He’s truly the best.

I’m hoping the weather stays constant and I get to explore other towns I have not been to, though they may be limited because my computer is still being an arse and we’re trying to rid ourselves of the evil thing called Debt. I hate that bastard.

The Whacky Pack

Lately, it’s been so easy to complain and feel like gobs of poo. I’ve been so ridiculously depressed, I’m depressed just thinking about it but I think I’m a little bit steady now. I always go through the same cycle: low feelings, sink hole of failure and destruction, anger, inexplicable happiness, sadness, emptiness and then the oven timer rings and I am done and back to what I think is normalcy. I’m a little optimistic saying this, but I hope that someday I’ll always be at the normalcy stage. Unfortunately, 26 years of this makes me doubt it.

But in the meantime, I’ve been preoccupying myself with adventures and socialization. Last Sunday, my friend Greta and I went to Joyland again. This time, we went before sunrise. The model was a no-show but we decided it was unnecessary to cancel because of that, after-all we did just wake up super early. When we finally set foot inside the abandoned park, it was wonderfully eery and downright frightful. Their were no sounds from the outside world. We were undisturbed by life, well aside from those pesky squirrels that I believe were making their best attempts to frighten us.

The park was definitely in far worse shape than the last time I had been there. The tilt-a-whirl was gone, the office building was completely burnt down and a lot of the ticket booths that were standing had been knocked down. I hate people. This is a wonderful place to go to and get lost but then their’s that percentage of stupid people that decide to go and fuck shit up for the sake of fucking shit up. I hate them, very much. It makes me want to punch them. Repeatedly. Sigh.

We ended up taking nothing but pictures of us being silly, because that’s what we’re best at. Well, that and being creepy. We decided to climb the roller coaster. I get a little nervous just thinking about. We climbed up to the farthest edge before it goes down and it was the scariest thing I’ve done in a long while. I’m terrified of heights. I’m not even sure where it came from, whether from my bad roller coaster experiences in Mexico or from my falling off a ladder. Wherever it came from, I hate it and wish it would disappear because I never was scared of heights but now I’m to the point where if my bladder was filled to the brim I would probably pee from fright. But fortunately, my friend Greta was able to walk me through while I crawled or she held my hand through it. It was terrible and had I not been so frozen in my spot I would have been smart enough to take a picture looking down for reference. Let’s just say it was high enough for me to die if I fell off from the rickety wooden boards. Alas, I survived and it was a great experience because I think you need to do stupid stuff like that sometimes. I reckon it’s a little reckless but, I repeat, sometimes you just need to do it. Regardless of how frightening the moment feels or is. Just do it, even if you look like a fool while doing it. . . because now, I can say I did it and it’s a way better feeling than regret.

Also, I absolutely love this photograph below.  Haha. It’s us attempting to be fierce but proving that we are amazingly awkward. Rather than being fierce we ended up doing the broken neck and picking food off my teeth look. It’s wonderful.

Beacon

On the day that I am finally feeling tired and comfy cozy in bed, at a fairly decent time, the fire trucks arrive blaring their warning call. The lights are coming through the window filling the room with blue and red flashing lights, any thoughts of sleep I had have been thwarted. Blegh. I’ve given up on a comfortable nights sleep, at least Sunday through Thursday.

I’ve been so busy this week. The boyfriend wanted to have a small Halloween shindig. I’m almost always against parties and any type of socializing event, but he loves parties and socializing. And I love Halloween and him so much that, against my better judgement, I agreed to do the party. Sigh. Parties involve so much effort, planning and money. Blegh. I hate it. I always worry about little things and I get so anxious about how things are going to go. I go over scenarios in my head, I prepare myself for these extraordinarily circumstances/interactions and then my brain begins to work overtime about how to handle them that I end up feeling so exhausted and stressed over these situations that will probably never happen.

Fortunately, I’ve had such a good weekend that (for now) the stress hasn’t been too much. This weekend, I took risks and chances. It was exciting. I hadn’t taken pictures of strangers or for people other than myself or close friends in so long that I had completely given up on the idea. I’m always very awkward in conversational situations with people. I over think things or just freeze and become tangled in my own self-deprecating thoughts. I’ve tried many ways to handle it but I always end up failing miserably, all because I cannot handle dealing with people. The anxiety is far too great. But, I think that one of the biggest things is the pressure of people paying me for services. It just makes me uncomfortable. I don’t call myself a photographer nor do I pretend to be. I just love photography and taking pictures makes me so happy. I never seek paying jobs because I put myself down too much to feel confident enough to take on paying work and also I suck at dealing with people. It’s just too much for me and I worry too much about my capability but sometimes people seek me to take their pictures and offer to pay me. I’m flattered but I hate it. Money complicates things for me. I don’t feel that I have a flair at photography nor socializing, so adding money into the mix is disastrous. But, people can be persistent. I used to end up doing it but always felt let down, which is why I always just say no now-a-days.

But, since I’ve been feeling incredibly low I decided that I needed more photography in my life, it just makes me happy and the time spent editing is relaxing for me. I had been asked a couple of times to do a family friend’s maternity pictures. I was unwilling but decided ehhhh I want more pictures in my life and it’s good for me to have that distraction. So, I bit the bullet and decided to do it despite the anxiety of it all. This time,  I decided to take money out of the equation. I just didn’t want to deal with that anxiety on top of all the other crap I had to deal with. I have to say that it made all the difference. I didn’t have the stress of pretending to be professional/nice/or whatever it is you should be.  I was just dorky, awkward and Harry Potter referencing me. I even socialized. I mean, it helped that I knew her but it’d been so long and even then that still makes for an awkward me.  I always think I could do better, but I was surprised that I did things smoothly. I interacted, suggested poses, tried to get them to laugh and blah blah blah. I did more than usual. I even got dirty. It was awesome. I was happy with the outcome and she was even happier with the outcome. I think this challenge was completely destroyed.

 

Another accomplishment was my fear of heights. My friend and I went to Joyland, the abandoned theme park, at sunrise. This was her first going in all the way into the park. The first time she went with me we ended up getting kicked out. This time, it was very eerie. It was just so quiet because the world was still sleeping when we were there. All the noises of the abandoned park came to life and also the evil squirrels were trying to scare us.  I’ve been too busy to work on the pictures but as soon as I get a chance to work on them I will but I’m sure they will be wonderful because their were plenty winning faces in there. haha I suppose I’ll reserve our experiences there for the next post. It’s late anyway and the firemen must have defeated the dangers because the lights are no longer flashing and the whirring of their engines have ceased. Until next time, boils and ghouls.

Better Than Yesterday

Blegh. I wish I could skip all the crappy feelings that I’ve been feeling and just fast-forward until I get to the point where everything is fine and dandy, but that’s not life. I have to deal with every single feeling of inadequacy and self-loathing until I argue with myself enough to convince my selves to play nice. I can’t say that the worst part of the storm is over but even though it’s been a hellishly nightmarish couple of weeks I can say that I’m doing better than I was yesterday.

This weekend certainly has helped because it’s always great when you go on a photographic journey with your friend. We listened to Harry Potter, talked, sang, took pictures of us looking goofy and hideous. . .so it was positively delightful. Our intention was to find a ghost town and take pictures with a buttload of balloons, but because the wind hates us the balloons were scratched. As far as the ghost town, well it shouldn’t count as a ghost town if it has a couple of abandoned buildings and is surrounded by people. Sigh. Either way, it was fun! Plus, we took some creepy photos of us that looked like we belonged on a terrible country album cover.  Ha.

I’ve decided to do more picture taking. This weekend, I am hopefully going on another photographic adventure to revisit another abandoned location with my two friends. They’ve never met, so I hope they get along swimmingly because I would be sad if they didn’t. They’re some of my favorite people.

And now to sleep because I have to be up in less than 5 hours. Yay me.