Pointless Ramblings

I’m very talented at procrastination, I was born with mediocre talents but excel wonderfully at procrastination and becoming easily distracted. I’m obviously supposed to be doing homework right now.  I thought about working on some artwork for our home, I even took out the supplies and then saw the laptop shining blue — indicating it was full of life and buttons that were ready to go clickety clack.

So here I am, browsing through pages all the while attempting to write about…honestly, I have no idea what I’m trying to say.

Earlier today, I was thinking that my thoughts often go to weird extremes. I’m sure i’m not the only one it happens to, but I’ve found it hard to relate to people or find anyone who isn’t ashamed to admit to them. For example, today as I was sitting in the toilet at work. I thought, what if while I was on the toilet I had an earth shakingly loud fart. So loud that everyone rushed to see what caused the building to tremble… only to find me sitting on the loo and the only words to escape my mouth were,”oops, I farted.” It would be so embarrassing. Stupid, I know. But sometimes I’m plagued by weird, stupid, or all together messed up scenarios in my head and I struggle with how to deal with these non-existent situations. I’ll spend minutes, hours, and sometimes even days worrying and finding ways on how to resolve these issues and often find that I can’t move on until I do.

But anyways. I’m not even sure what I’m rambling about. Just aimlessly rambling.

Last weekend, the boyfriend and I wanted to go for a drive so we headed out east and happened upon Elk Falls. We were actually supposed to go to a town that was further east but we were losing daylight and gas. So we stopped at Elk Falls instead. Even now, I think I was foolish. It was cold! Too damn cold for a photographic adventure. Hardly any photos turned out well, my hands were too busy trembling but I wanted to explore dammit! I walked down the hill and towards the miniature waterfall. I treaded carefully over the rocks, hoping I wouldn’t slip into the lake and die of hypothermia — meanwhile my boyfriend waited comfortably in the warm car. (that jerk!)  I had been here before, briefly, and yet again I was plagued with thoughts that I would be murdered by the hills have eyes-esque murderer. It would be so simple. We’re both out in the country, no one knows where we are. Alas, we survived with some shaky photos and a stuffy nose to prove it!

Also, I want to say I love old cemeteries. I’ve spent a lot of time visiting them. There’s something about them that I just can’t get enough of. I do try and be as respectful as I can be when I walk through them. I say hello and have conversations with them, and lament not having flowers to leave behind.

By the end of this brief quest, my boots were filled with cold water. It took about 5 minutes to thaw them out.  I’m ready for spring.

A town of lies

Sunday was swell.

I went to Cassoday, Kansas to take some pictures of my very pregnant friend.

According to the town, it’s the prairie chicken capital of the world. I was beginning to regret not taking a photograph of their declaration but I’m glad I didn’t participate in that lie, because I didn’t see a single prairie chicken in that town.

When we arrived to the park there was a line of about 10 cars that were parked there, yet the park remained devoid of people. We tried looking for them, but they were nowhere to be found. We began making up reasons as to why no one was around. The ideas ranged from the rapture, an orgy of men in betwixt the wooded area, clans members, or a group of hooded cult members making their weekly sacrifice. We imagined them emerging from the depths of the woods, their hands soiled with blood and prepared to kill us. I was met (again) with disappointment when we learned that it was a just a group of cyclists. Not that I wanted to die, but it would have been much more interesting not knowing the truth.

After wearing out my friend with pictures we decided to head, though not before I lost my sunglasses. I have a knack for losing things, which reminds me that I’ve lost my sunglasses yet again.

I’m hoping to have many more small photographic adventures like this. If i’m going to be stuck in Kansas I’m going to at least explore the crap out of all it’s weird little towns, abandoned or not. It gives me such great joy exploring. I feel like the lesser version of Indiana Jones, many might take that as an insult but i’m quite alright with that. I’d rather evade non-deadly obstacles in my pursuit of adventure, imagined ones are a lot safer. 🙂

And now to tackle the mountains of homework that I’ve been neglecting. Yay.

Beacon

On the day that I am finally feeling tired and comfy cozy in bed, at a fairly decent time, the fire trucks arrive blaring their warning call. The lights are coming through the window filling the room with blue and red flashing lights, any thoughts of sleep I had have been thwarted. Blegh. I’ve given up on a comfortable nights sleep, at least Sunday through Thursday.

I’ve been so busy this week. The boyfriend wanted to have a small Halloween shindig. I’m almost always against parties and any type of socializing event, but he loves parties and socializing. And I love Halloween and him so much that, against my better judgement, I agreed to do the party. Sigh. Parties involve so much effort, planning and money. Blegh. I hate it. I always worry about little things and I get so anxious about how things are going to go. I go over scenarios in my head, I prepare myself for these extraordinarily circumstances/interactions and then my brain begins to work overtime about how to handle them that I end up feeling so exhausted and stressed over these situations that will probably never happen.

Fortunately, I’ve had such a good weekend that (for now) the stress hasn’t been too much. This weekend, I took risks and chances. It was exciting. I hadn’t taken pictures of strangers or for people other than myself or close friends in so long that I had completely given up on the idea. I’m always very awkward in conversational situations with people. I over think things or just freeze and become tangled in my own self-deprecating thoughts. I’ve tried many ways to handle it but I always end up failing miserably, all because I cannot handle dealing with people. The anxiety is far too great. But, I think that one of the biggest things is the pressure of people paying me for services. It just makes me uncomfortable. I don’t call myself a photographer nor do I pretend to be. I just love photography and taking pictures makes me so happy. I never seek paying jobs because I put myself down too much to feel confident enough to take on paying work and also I suck at dealing with people. It’s just too much for me and I worry too much about my capability but sometimes people seek me to take their pictures and offer to pay me. I’m flattered but I hate it. Money complicates things for me. I don’t feel that I have a flair at photography nor socializing, so adding money into the mix is disastrous. But, people can be persistent. I used to end up doing it but always felt let down, which is why I always just say no now-a-days.

But, since I’ve been feeling incredibly low I decided that I needed more photography in my life, it just makes me happy and the time spent editing is relaxing for me. I had been asked a couple of times to do a family friend’s maternity pictures. I was unwilling but decided ehhhh I want more pictures in my life and it’s good for me to have that distraction. So, I bit the bullet and decided to do it despite the anxiety of it all. This time,  I decided to take money out of the equation. I just didn’t want to deal with that anxiety on top of all the other crap I had to deal with. I have to say that it made all the difference. I didn’t have the stress of pretending to be professional/nice/or whatever it is you should be.  I was just dorky, awkward and Harry Potter referencing me. I even socialized. I mean, it helped that I knew her but it’d been so long and even then that still makes for an awkward me.  I always think I could do better, but I was surprised that I did things smoothly. I interacted, suggested poses, tried to get them to laugh and blah blah blah. I did more than usual. I even got dirty. It was awesome. I was happy with the outcome and she was even happier with the outcome. I think this challenge was completely destroyed.

 

Another accomplishment was my fear of heights. My friend and I went to Joyland, the abandoned theme park, at sunrise. This was her first going in all the way into the park. The first time she went with me we ended up getting kicked out. This time, it was very eerie. It was just so quiet because the world was still sleeping when we were there. All the noises of the abandoned park came to life and also the evil squirrels were trying to scare us.  I’ve been too busy to work on the pictures but as soon as I get a chance to work on them I will but I’m sure they will be wonderful because their were plenty winning faces in there. haha I suppose I’ll reserve our experiences there for the next post. It’s late anyway and the firemen must have defeated the dangers because the lights are no longer flashing and the whirring of their engines have ceased. Until next time, boils and ghouls.

Attempted Smile

Wow, I cannot believe that it’s been a year since I started this blogging adventure. It is especially amazing because I have the attention span of a 2-year-old, so it’s quite an accomplishment that I’ve made it a year of continuously posting.

This blog has transformed me in small but meaningful ways and though I want to say that it’s not a big deal it kind of is. I used to have a journal on another website and shared my heart but left no trace of who I was. On here, I’ve opted for something different and the fact that I’ve posted a lot of me makes me force myself to be honest with myself and it has even made its way into my day-to-day life. It’s also strange because I feel like I’ve made a friend who I can vent to and one that I cannot bullshit and it’s wonderful and refreshing.

Also, I have followers. . .I did not expect that to happen. Well, actually, I expected to have two and those two were friends I asked to join. haha. Still, I’m not entirely sure what that means but it’s insane to know that someone out there read my thoughts or saw my pictures. If you’re reading this now. . . thank you and I hope you have a magical day.

Yesterday, after waiting almost 2 years, I finally attempted the Chelsea Smile with some special fx make-up I got at the Texas Frightmare. It didn’t come out as I had hoped but it still looked pretty damn good for my first attempt! I was mainly proud at the fact that I finally just did something I’ve been thinking about doing. I’m working on the whole being a doer thing because apparently that mindset gets things done. I’m still in the beta testing stage.

Hopefully, in the coming days/weeks I’ll have more pictures and crafts to share. I’m really excited about a photographic adventure I have planned with my friend to another ghost town! Should be a fright! 😀