It’s been one hell of a month. I conjure the words and swiftly I’m met with knot in throat and the tears begin there free for all.
I don’t even know that I can summon the words but I’m hoping that maybe if I do I’ll alleviate the burden that’s weighing on my shoulders because ironically my greatest confidant is this blog. Last month, my uncle passed away and two weeks after he passed my Grandma did, too. It’s still hard to admit the truth in that sentence. Dealing with my uncle’s death, without meaning to sound cold-hearted, would have been easier to deal with but when my Grandma passed… I still haven’t allowed myself to immerse myself in the reality of losing her; it’s just too great of a loss. I’ve found solace recounting the memories we had together but even that proves to be overwhelming and throws me off kilter. It had only been 3 months since I saw her last and it pains me that I didn’t hug her enough or tell her I loved her one more time.
It would be so easy to allow myself to sink deeper into depression, but I’m trying not to succumb. It’s tough, really tough because I’m a wreck, but I’ve been trying incredibly hard to be strong not just for myself but mainly for my family. I really wanted to delve into this more but I feel drained and it’s taken me at least 2 hours to write this. I guess I’m not ready to delve much deeper into this, but I’ll share what I shared with family.
I’m not very good with emotions, speeches, or spiels. I always run off on tangents and easily forget my intentions but I wanted to say that this week has been incredibly difficult and enlightening. I try and put a brave face because reality and emotions are sucky and it hurts knowing that my ‘uelita is no longer with us. Visiting Texas will never be the same, but my grandma will always live on in my heart and memories. I like to believe that wherever she may be she is spending time and sharing laughs with those we’ve lost along the way.
As I get older and with every family member we lose I realize that my family is of the utmost importance. They are my life and as dysfunctional as we are/can be I’d be lost without them. I hate gatherings, crowds and socializing but my family is much more important than that which I hate.
I hope, if anyone cares to read this, that you all never take anyone for granted, I hope you realize and cherish what you have while you’ve got it. Our time on this earth is limited and nothing is more important than the memories and time you spend with loved ones. At times we get angry, or have hurdles we have to overcome, and/or are apprehensive about saying what we feel for whatever reason but I cannot begin to tell you how much more difficult it is to live in guilt and with the “what if.” Fortunately with grandma I had learned sufficient enough and the last time I saw her I told her how much she meant to me and that I loved her, even when she was mad at me for not breaking the hospital rules. Lol And even though the past cannot be changed, we can start anew and make the attempt to learn from past mistakes.