Changes

In the past several months I’ve begun making significant life changes. It started slow, then progressed and spiraled into this spring cleansing of the soul. Initially, it was difficult to think that I could manage a lot of the changes and I was hesitant to even begin but something inside me urged me to take a leap and do it.

It all started with a health scare that I’m, quite frankly, still not willing to admit to. I suppose it could be a lot worse but this is still something that I never anticipated. Perhaps it’s shock? I keep rewording the doctor’s words in my head, hoping that if I rearrange the wording it may change the results. . . but it doesn’t and though i’m not in imminent danger it is something that I have to take care of. It’s upsetting but I try and heed other’s advice and learn to accept this and though it’s been difficult I think I’m gradually learning to. I’ve begun to take better care of myself by going to the gym and eating healthier. It hasn’t been an easy transition but I’m going to do all that I can to be as healthy as I can be. Thus far, I’ve lost a little weight and I intend to lose more but all for health not for aesthetic reasons.

Friendships has been even more difficult to tackle than my health. I had a long chat with someone a while back and they put certain things into perspective. They asked me who my go to people were, who I went to when my world was crumbling and the people I thought would be on that list weren’t. Not because I didn’t want them to be but because I knew I couldn’t turn to them because when I needed them most they never there. It was an awakening. From this conversation I also realized I’m guilty of a lot of things as well, like: I have kept friendships/people in my life that were (exhausting, terrible, selfish, etc), I’m a terrible friend because I too am the aforementioned, I don’t know how to be a proper friend. I know I’ve mentioned a lot of this before but I overlooked and didn’t do as I promised. It’s a lot harder to let go than I thought. I second guess myself and wonder if I’m the one to blame for it all. But I just can’t do it anymore. A couple of weeks if not months ago I began by either unfriending or unfollowing people on Facebook.  I’m also working on trying to be a better friend. I think though that first I have to work on my friendship skills. It’s a process but I’ve been keeping in touch with friends, though the socializing bit I’ve been failing because I’ve been ridiculously busy. But I’m going to be better. More date nights with the boyfriend, alone time, and friendship hang outs.

The boyfriend and I have also decided to sacrifice our privacy and move in with family for a brief amount of time to reach our goals of getting a house. Unfortunately, things came up and it would be a lot easier if rent was not part of the equation. It’s scary but I think it’ll be worth it once we have our own house. I’m already anxious to have a home, to take dive into the pool or drink some pina coladas while floating in that pool. Sigh. It will happen, a little later than anticipated but it will.

Another huge thing is I’ve decided to go back to school this fall. It’s been 6 years since I had to drop out of university. I’m freaking scared out of my mind yet insanely excited. I’m still clueless about what I want to do but I feel as if I’m going to figure it out this time and if I don’t I’ll try until I do. I dictate what I do, what I don’t,  and I’ve decided I’m going to have a motherfucking adventure while I’m alive and kickin’.

 

 

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