It’s been sometime since I’ve felt the need to divulge. I’ve been attempting my best to deal with circumstances rather than vent to pen and paper (or rather in this case computer/public forum). But tonight, as the boyfriend sleeps and I have a load of laundry to do I wanted to just vent about everything and nothing at all.

I went to my hometown for Fourth of July weekend. I hung out with old friends, went to the beach, had some amazing Mexican tacos, plenty of raspas (yet still not enough!), took some random maternity pictures of my very pregnant friend, and went to my favorite child hood pizza place. It was spectacular. I often tend to forget what it’s like to hang out with friends. It’s been so long since I’ve hung out with anyone who wasn’t the boyfriend, so it was great to catch up with friends I hadn’t seen in years. It always sucks leaving them behind, I wish I could pack them up and bring them with me. I also hung out with the family, which made me nostalgic and wish I was closer to home. It sucks living far away from home.

The trip was set to end on a good note and then we got word that my Uncle had passed away. I, honestly, didn’t know how to take it. It had been so long since I had seen him. He used to be a happy man. It was rare that you would not see him playing or idly strumming his guitar, he was almost always singing a song to someone. Though he never had to say it, it was apparent that he desired to have a family and it wasn’t until his late 30’s or early 40’s that he met someone. Most people believe, that in his desperation for a family, he settled for her because since his marriage the songs slowly faded and he became consumed by depression and drug addiction. I remember it was a month before my brother passed away that he attempted against his own life. That was when I learned of his depression and felt I could relate to him because of my own struggles — though if I believe what family says his stemmed a lot from his drug binges. Either way, I sympathized with him. He turned to religion and eventually pushed a lot of his family away. We would try to go find him and he would either ignore our calls, pretend he wasnt home. . he basically avoided us at all cost. They say it was because his religion was very strict on whom he could associate himself with but I believed that his depression played a bigger factor as to why he pushed people away. When we were down there visiting, my mom even mentioned him and we both thought it pointless to go visit because we knew he wouldn’t answer our knocks. And from what they say, his wife was hardly ever around. I’m sad that I didn’t get to know him more and that I’ll never have the chance, but I hope that wherever he is now he’ll be able to rest from the demons that never left his side while he was living.

Before I was able to react to his death, we were driving on the interstate and reminiscing about my Uncle when this box, of what I believe was yogurt or some unidentifiable goo, was thrown from a passing car onto our windshield. Fortunately, I got a grip of the wheel and was able to not freak out and lose control. However, I became infuriated by the pieces of shit who could have potentially caused me to swerve and crash the car that my mother and I were in. I flashed my lights at them and honked the horn. They raced off, which led me to believe that they did it on purpose. I caught up to them and flipped them off, hoping they could hear my screams but they dared not stare at me for long and sped off again. It was two young kids in a fancy new red car. They quickly sped off again. I tried to keep pace, debating on whether I should call the cops or what I should do. Then they slowed down and the bastard in the passenger side had the gall to show me whatever he was trowing and flips me off and attempts to hit my car again. I swerved. I was tempted to throw something at them or ram my car into them, quite honestly had my mother not been in the same car I would have done that or worse. People like that who have no regard for others’ safety pisses me off. My mom was visibly upset and a little scared. . . my uncle had just died and it just pushed me over the edge but I decided to do something else instead — something I never do. I called the cops, 911 patched me through to state troopers and I explained the situation to her and she had the nerve to say that I probably caused it because I was driving too close to the car. Which wasn’t the case at all but apparently, according to that state trooper, if you drive close to a car it’s okay for them to chuck whatever inanimate objects they have at you. It’s your fault that you were too close. She swore she wasn’t accusing me of anything but how else am i to take it? She said to back away from them and that they would see if they had any troopers in the area and they would see what they could do. This honestly made me contemplate beating the crap out of the kids even more. It’s quite scary when you can’t trust in people who are sworn to protect you and they blame you instead. Hello, I’m calling you for help before they either kill me or vice versa and all you can do is accuse. Fuck. I provided them with the necessary description and license plates, but I honestly doubt anything would come of it. I had a friend tell me that even if they found them they would just get a smack on the hand because these kids were in a fancy new car, in Oklahoma, and white. If that’s the case, it’s a sad that race still pays a determining factor on what would determine your punishment.


The sudden death of my Uncle did allow me to reflect on a lot of things. I realized that out of fear I was holding back on my relationships/friendships. I was afraid to get hurt and never made my best effort.

I had attempted to reach out to a friend and things didn’t go as planned and it was awkward and when she didn’t respond to a message I decided to just remove myself from the equation. Letting go was hard because I always wanted her to be the one I could go to but I could never depend on her. I realized I never said anything when it bothered me because I was afraid to lose a friend, so the anger and disappointment built up until the point I couldn’t forgive. I justified her excuses from time to time because I wanted it to be one of those friendships that would last until my grey hairs were dyed pink, but alas I couldn’t hold onto a friendship that we both eventually half-assed. I’m of course not blameless. I got so used to having no friends that it was hard to transition to having friends. Even now, it’s not something I’m completely adjusted to. If you’re reading this, Greta, I hope you know that I cherished our friendship dearly. You were the friend that I dreamed of having when I was younger. Someone that was just like me, who I could adventure with and be completely stupid with. I truly wish we could have been better friends to one another because we could have been an amazing pair of old grannies hanging around in matching track suits, yelling at the youth and it’s stupid trends. I wish you the best in life and hope that everything goes amazingly well for you.


Better Than Yesterday

Blegh. I wish I could skip all the crappy feelings that I’ve been feeling and just fast-forward until I get to the point where everything is fine and dandy, but that’s not life. I have to deal with every single feeling of inadequacy and self-loathing until I argue with myself enough to convince my selves to play nice. I can’t say that the worst part of the storm is over but even though it’s been a hellishly nightmarish couple of weeks I can say that I’m doing better than I was yesterday.

This weekend certainly has helped because it’s always great when you go on a photographic journey with your friend. We listened to Harry Potter, talked, sang, took pictures of us looking goofy and hideous. . .so it was positively delightful. Our intention was to find a ghost town and take pictures with a buttload of balloons, but because the wind hates us the balloons were scratched. As far as the ghost town, well it shouldn’t count as a ghost town if it has a couple of abandoned buildings and is surrounded by people. Sigh. Either way, it was fun! Plus, we took some creepy photos of us that looked like we belonged on a terrible country album cover. ┬áHa.

I’ve decided to do more picture taking. This weekend, I am hopefully going on another photographic adventure to revisit another abandoned location with my two friends. They’ve never met, so I hope they get along swimmingly because I would be sad if they didn’t. They’re some of my favorite people.

And now to sleep because I have to be up in less than 5 hours. Yay me.