Whirlwind

It’s been a while and I’m not even sure where to start. For starters, my computer has been ill and I’ve been freaking out trying to find things to make it better. I want to proclaim success but I don’t think that it’s better, which is a shame considering it’s barely a year old. Sigh. But, I’ve gotten it past the grey screen of death so that’s a minor accomplishment. 

Much to my chagrin, we had a Halloween party but it actually turned out a lot better than expected. I wish I would have taken pictures, I think I just took snaps here and there but nothing significant. Quite a shame, really. I was overwhelmed with all the bodies in attendance and getting everything sorted. The final details were never truly finished. Towards the end, after downing sufficient enough drinks to soothe my nerves, it was easier to deal with and I had fun.

Another think occurring in my universe, is that I’ve been heavily debating art school — to study photography. It was the plan 5 years ago, but then a shit ton of things happened all at once. I fell off a ladder at work, developed GERD, consequence to the fall I began having trouble walking, any movement was extremely painful and it all led to me dropping out of university. This, of course, all led to a small little dark spiral of self-destruction. Life is wonderful, isn’t it? So, here I am 5 years later debating on uprooting and moving to study photography. The thought is frightening but what’s even more terrifying is staying in my cubicle staring out my window for the next 40+ years wishing I had gone. I’ve always known I couldn’t have a job like the one I do now. It’s much too stifling. I want the ability to dye my hair any color I want or have piercings and whatever other restrictions I’ve had to abide by since joining the grown up world. I’m a toys’r’us kid, not a grown up kid. Even if I fail at art school, I want to say that I earned that failure. I’ve started working on ideas, for the portfolio I have to submit with the application, and I’m excited because I’ve started coming up with concepts and ideas. It’s even reignited my love affair with make-up.

Because of all these wonderful thoughts and ideas, I’ve decided that it’s time to attempt to go back on anti-depressants. I’ve been fighting it alone for so long and lately it feels like I’m on the losing side. I realize it’ll never truly go away, but ordinarily, I’ll go through  rough patches which’ll last a week and then after they’ve beaten me senseless they subside. My little cycle of darkness. However, as of late, the episodes have been interminable and brutal. It’s been tough to deal with all of these feelings that I thought I had killed, it’s as if the dead have risen from their graves. I thought I could do it alone but I think I have to learn to admit that sometimes I need help, and this is one of those instances. Also, I’m tired of depression sucking the life out of everything.

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