Beacon

On the day that I am finally feeling tired and comfy cozy in bed, at a fairly decent time, the fire trucks arrive blaring their warning call. The lights are coming through the window filling the room with blue and red flashing lights, any thoughts of sleep I had have been thwarted. Blegh. I’ve given up on a comfortable nights sleep, at least Sunday through Thursday.

I’ve been so busy this week. The boyfriend wanted to have a small Halloween shindig. I’m almost always against parties and any type of socializing event, but he loves parties and socializing. And I love Halloween and him so much that, against my better judgement, I agreed to do the party. Sigh. Parties involve so much effort, planning and money. Blegh. I hate it. I always worry about little things and I get so anxious about how things are going to go. I go over scenarios in my head, I prepare myself for these extraordinarily circumstances/interactions and then my brain begins to work overtime about how to handle them that I end up feeling so exhausted and stressed over these situations that will probably never happen.

Fortunately, I’ve had such a good weekend that (for now) the stress hasn’t been too much. This weekend, I took risks and chances. It was exciting. I hadn’t taken pictures of strangers or for people other than myself or close friends in so long that I had completely given up on the idea. I’m always very awkward in conversational situations with people. I over think things or just freeze and become tangled in my own self-deprecating thoughts. I’ve tried many ways to handle it but I always end up failing miserably, all because I cannot handle dealing with people. The anxiety is far too great. But, I think that one of the biggest things is the pressure of people paying me for services. It just makes me uncomfortable. I don’t call myself a photographer nor do I pretend to be. I just love photography and taking pictures makes me so happy. I never seek paying jobs because I put myself down too much to feel confident enough to take on paying work and also I suck at dealing with people. It’s just too much for me and I worry too much about my capability but sometimes people seek me to take their pictures and offer to pay me. I’m flattered but I hate it. Money complicates things for me. I don’t feel that I have a flair at photography nor socializing, so adding money into the mix is disastrous. But, people can be persistent. I used to end up doing it but always felt let down, which is why I always just say no now-a-days.

But, since I’ve been feeling incredibly low I decided that I needed more photography in my life, it just makes me happy and the time spent editing is relaxing for me. I had been asked a couple of times to do a family friend’s maternity pictures. I was unwilling but decided ehhhh I want more pictures in my life and it’s good for me to have that distraction. So, I bit the bullet and decided to do it despite the anxiety of it all. This time,  I decided to take money out of the equation. I just didn’t want to deal with that anxiety on top of all the other crap I had to deal with. I have to say that it made all the difference. I didn’t have the stress of pretending to be professional/nice/or whatever it is you should be.  I was just dorky, awkward and Harry Potter referencing me. I even socialized. I mean, it helped that I knew her but it’d been so long and even then that still makes for an awkward me.  I always think I could do better, but I was surprised that I did things smoothly. I interacted, suggested poses, tried to get them to laugh and blah blah blah. I did more than usual. I even got dirty. It was awesome. I was happy with the outcome and she was even happier with the outcome. I think this challenge was completely destroyed.

 

Another accomplishment was my fear of heights. My friend and I went to Joyland, the abandoned theme park, at sunrise. This was her first going in all the way into the park. The first time she went with me we ended up getting kicked out. This time, it was very eerie. It was just so quiet because the world was still sleeping when we were there. All the noises of the abandoned park came to life and also the evil squirrels were trying to scare us.  I’ve been too busy to work on the pictures but as soon as I get a chance to work on them I will but I’m sure they will be wonderful because their were plenty winning faces in there. haha I suppose I’ll reserve our experiences there for the next post. It’s late anyway and the firemen must have defeated the dangers because the lights are no longer flashing and the whirring of their engines have ceased. Until next time, boils and ghouls.

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