These past couple of weeks have been terrible, normally I go into my cave and come out with a couple of scratches and bruises but — for the most part — I am still left standing. Lately, it’s been me going deeper and deeper and finding monsters I had long forgotten existed. It’s been tough putting on a mask that can disguise how I am feeling. I’m a wreck.

I’ve been trying hard to put myself back together again but no matter how much I try, I can’t. I’m not one to show emotion. I hate it and am embarrassed to get caught showing it, so this is not good. I’m also having massive anxiety attacks, for no reason. I make up stupid things in my head and start panicking. I’m angry all the time. I wake up feeling exhausted, as if throughout the night I was in some kind of epically terrible fight to the death. 

To make matters worse, their is family drama. Sigh. I’m a quiet person and I despise drama but I’m not afraid to voice my opinion. Sometimes, I get so tired of faking interest, biting my tongue because my mother asked me to, or because I just don’t want to start drama. But I’m just exhausted and tired of things that I cannot control that I’m going to allow myself to shit all over peoples failed attempts at veiled digs. 

My eldest sister is the worst. She masks her disdain by being condescending and/or smothering her comments with religious self-righteousness. I’m not religious, whatsoever, so she uses this all the time to irritate me. It generally works, but I avoid confrontation for the sake of my Mom and the promise I made to her that I’d attempt to be good. . .  but the potency of that promise is a mere wisp now and I’m willing to let it turn to ash. 

About ten years ago, she and I had a major falling out when her husband passed away. My brother in law was more than just an in law, he was my brother and father figure. So, when he passed I lost more than just an in law and it hurt more than I could ever put into words. When he passed I had just turned 16 and I was mad at him, for reasons that I’ve long forgotten. I’m sure it was stupid because I was a teen, depressed and reckless.

When he passed, I stayed to help her with things. I remember my depression sinking harder than ever. I think, a lot of it had to do with the fact that I now had a valid reason on top of my pointless depression. I skipped school a lot and was very suicidal. I had survivors guilt. I had attempted suicide multiple times before his passing and failed, yet he who had goals and wanted to live was gone and I was still here and still wanting to be dead. It wasn’t fair. It became so bad that my sister, who was grieving, had to intervene and I went to a therapist and they threatened to lock me in the psych ward because I was burdening my sister who had just lost her husband. Imagine being 16 and hearing this, i quickly pretended to be okay and decided to leave my sister and not burden her further. I wasn’t in the right to feel depressed, or so they said.

I left for a week or two and felt bad because I was the one doing all the things for my sister and decided to go back to help her. I remember my arrival vividly because I had a dream of my brother and he warned me before I knew. Less than 3 months after my brother in law passed, my sister had moved on. I had expected it to happen in time but not less than 3 months later, especially not with the local scum who had attempted to rape her when they were younger. My sister changed, a lot. And my brother in laws’ things began to disappear and she became insufferable. She began attempting to buy me things to soften the blow of her telling me what had been going on.  I’m never impressed by fake flattery or by being bought. I did not approve of this man nor of her dating so soon, after all she had just lost her husband of ten years.

 At first, she was nice. But then, I remember finding e-mails of him insulting me and she defended him and agreed that I was a loser. He said we wanted to see her fail and be miserable and didn’t care about her happiness. When I approached her about it, she became a monster. We began arguing all the time and then my depression began to bother her, she would yell at me for crying or locking myself in the room. She became mean and hurt me more than I’ll allow myself to admit. She said that my brother in law never loved any of us and that he only tolerated us for her and when things would get really bad she would tell me to just lock myself in my room and kill myself. Every time she said this, I tried with more fervor. I stole her car, dropped out of school, broke everything in my room, experimented with drugs and alcohol. I became someone I never wanted to be. The only times we spoke was either to fight or she would try to buy an apology from me. Eventually, she kicked me out but I was fortunate to have her best friend let me stay with her.

I didn’t speak to my sister for years. It still hurts, a lot. She ended up marrying the Douche and I eventually forgave her.  Mainly for my mother’s sake, though, she likes to believe that she forgave me because God is on her side. Yet, it’s funny how though she strongly believes in forgiveness every time I say something that’s not to her benefit she throws these digs at from the past but I who she criticizes for not being religious have never done that to her. . .  I won’t lie, I love my sister and have forgiven her for things she’s done in the past but I just can’t deal with her shit any longer.  Or anyone’s for that matter, I just have too much going on to have to deal with someone else’s shit. I don’t speak a word to the douche, to me he’s invisible and I will never treat him as if he were a person worthy of me wasting my breath for. 

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