I’ve been feeling terrible this week, so many thoughts have been running their course through my head. A lot of them have been of my regretful lack of decision making, reminiscing about my braver moments in my youth and lack of direction. I’m turning twenty seven this year and although I don’t think I’m old I feel like a lot of my life has been slipping from my grasp and I’ve never felt more lost.
I’ve never truly known what I wanted out of life or what I wanted to be, the only thing I dreamed of being when I was young was a Vampire. Sigh. When I was little, I spent a lot of time having my own adventures and I miss them so much. Thinking of my youth makes me want to cry, because I used to have such a great imagination and lived for the adventures that set place in my back yard. Those little adventures were sufficient enough to get me through each day but now, although I still have a large imagination it’s not enough. I no longer want to fantasize about living an adventure, I want to live it. The thing that breaks my heart is that I know that I’ll never be a wizard, a hobbit, jedi or anything wonderful like that. I don’t want to rid myself of my imagination but sometimes I think that is what is making me so sad. I try to focus on little adventures here and there and I feel fine but then reality strikes and I realize it is not enough.
My mind gets so clouded and everything stops making sense. Even now, I’m not even sure about a lot of things. Things that I was certain about I’m starting to doubt. Life, man. I’m at a point in life where I just want to sell everything, pack my bags and leave. I’m not sure where but I probably would just drive and let the wind be my guide. I would have done it all in a heartbeat had circumstances been different. I have a great boyfriend whom I love and I don’t want to risk losing him because of fleeting thoughts. I just wish I knew what I wanted out life.
Being an adult sucks.
To add cheeriness to the dreadful week, the boyfriend took me to the nature preserve for a walk and some picture taking. It was honestly what I needed. At least for now, I just think I need to sit down and think about what I want from this life. Mainly, I don’t want to feel lost anymore.