Growing up is harder.
As of late, I’ve been coming to many realizations. Where as some have been great others have been hard to accept. Even now, I’m fighting to accept them and because of it I’ve been going in and out of more frequent depressive episodes. On the outside I appear to be perfectly content but inside I’m waging war with myself.
I’ve been fighting the instinct to run, hide and hold myself hostage in the bathroom. The old me would have reverted back to old habits and destroyed everything in her path but I refuse to go back to that. I lost a lot, hurt people I cared for and lost sight of who I was. At this point in life, I am fortunate to have a wonderful boyfriend who is my best friend and is very supportive. When I’m at my darkest he, unknowingly, saves me by saying something completely ridiculous and with that I can breathe again and am no longer drowning in my thoughts. It’s like he instinctually knows I need him. Even though I had admitting it, I would undoubtedly be lost without him.
Friendships are another thing I’ve been struggling with. I’m terrible at making friends and even more so at keeping them. I never used to be bad at it, at least I don’t think so, but when you’re young it’s so much easier to make friends. You’re instantly best friends with anyone who likes the same color as you do, but now I’m not even sure how you begin to befriend anyone. After being burned by terrible friendships and dealing with major depression, I let go of the thought of having friends and became aloof. It was easier to deal with life without having the added drama of friendships, amongst many other reasons. Now, I have a handful of friends but always forget what the proper protocol is to maintain them. I often feel that I’m too self-absorbed because I’m caught up in my own thoughts, all from being so accustomed to it just being me, so at times it feels uncomfortably awkward. Friendships always seem so much harder than relationships and they shouldn’t be, should they? I think I’m a decent friend. I do my best to be supportive, honest, and attempt to be there for a friend because I genuinely care and because that’s what I think friends should do. I’m not sure if I’m doing it wrong. Sometimes, I’ve been very skeptical of some friendships, questioning the kindness of some and thinking their was something sinister behind their smile. Maybe I end up in friendships that are one sided or I just delude myself into thinking I’m a good friend when I’m not. Perhaps, I’m just not a worthy friend. I’m honestly not sure but I feel like I’m failing miserably. After much thought, I realize that I’m tired of making justifications for others and myself, or feeling like I’m forcing my friendship on others. I’ve decided to finally just let go of some friendships, their’s no point in keeping friends that don’t want, need or should be kept. I’m exhausted and though I need to learn to accept that their are people who genuinely want to be friends I also need to let go of those who aren’t worth the time and stop trying to keep those who want to be left alone. I don’t know why it was so hard to accept this, I’ve been down this road before but I guess it’s a little difficult this time because I was just getting used to the idea of friends and began to assume some would be there forever or would get to that point.
Another realization is that I’ve decided that I need to stop making big plans or having ideas and never doing anything with them. I’m starting a list of things I want to accomplish or at least attempt doing because the fact is that death is imminent and I don’t want to regret things at a later point in life when it’s too late. One of those things is starting a band. I was in one briefly a long time ago but I moved away and that was that. I really shouldn’t even consider it because it was over before it began. I have no expectations for this band, I simply want to do it because I’ve always wanted to and it should be fun. It may very well be a terrible endeavor but at least I can say I made the attempt and that’s all that matters. I also want to make an album that I can say I helped create, even if it ends up being bad. I have one friend who is ready and willing, so it’s very exciting and off to a better start than anticipated.