Expecto Patronum

Go figure, less than 4 hours before I have to wake up and here I am blogging to hopefully keep my mind off the anxiety attack that I’m having. Blegh. 

I found out a person from work was found dead in their apartment. I’ve been obsessing about it and I don’t know why, perhaps a part of me feels guilty? I’m not entirely sure. I never got along with her and to be frank, although our interaction was minimal, she was always rude. I feel bad about it though. Maybe because I don’t feel sympathy, when I should. Someone out there lost a sister, a friend, a daughter. I should feel a little sad about the situation but I just can’t help but feel nothing. I guess that’s what I feel terrible about. 

I would hope that the day I die I’m not remembered in a bad light, not that I’m a saint but I’d like for people to have at least one nice thing to say about me. Mainly, I would hope that people remember me as someone who did something with themselves. I know I still have a lot to accomplish in this life, so much has still been left undone/unsaid. I don’t know why but I’ve been so afraid to do a lot of things that I want to do. I suppose, I’m afraid of failing but I shouldn’t be. Failure is a sure sign that I tried. I’m positive that I’d rather fail than live my life in doubt.

The reality of it all is I’m not getting any younger and I would hope the day that I die I have accomplished a lot of the goals I’ve set for myself. But first, I realize that I have to move past the depression, the anxiety, the fear. Maybe, I have to remind myself that death is eventual and that the more that I let the fear dictate or limit my actions the closer I am to the end with nothing to show for it.

As unfortunate as it is, I realize that my life will never be that of a character in a novel. I have to realize that I will never possess magical abilities nor battle evil dark lords but I do have my own version of dementors to defeat and perhaps that’s adventure enough. When my final chapter closes, I just want to know that I have lived. I would have loved to save or at least change the world but I don’t think I could ever do that if I can’t change how I live mine. 

I think it’s time for some major life changes and I hope this is not a late night – sleep deprived rant but a step in the right direction. For now, I will settle in getting some sleep but tomorrow I’m going to try to be more positive and make sure to seize each opportunity that life grants me. I know it’s going to be a difficult transition because this is not the first nor the second time I’ve come to this realization. . . but it doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t keep trying until I get it right.

As Dumbledore said, “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

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